So the rocket scientists at Duane Reade have developed two questions to ask customers every time one picks up a prescription. These questions have been heavily thought out and are part of Duane Reade’s ‘upgrade’. Brilliant questions that make for a clearer understand for all and a speedy check out.

I was lucky enough to wait on line at Duane Reade recently and watch the questions in action!

Thursday, Lunch hour, Woman, 40-ish:

Woman: Im picking up a prescription.

DR: name?

(comes back with prescript)

DR: Do you have any allergies?

Woman: Uh, yeah. why?

DR: We have to ask. Do you have any allergies?

Woman: Yes, that is why I’m picking up allergy medicine.

DR: I have to put your allergies in the computer. Do you have any?

Woman: You already have my medical info, do you mean am I allergic to other medicines?

DR: I dont know. I’m just suppose to ask if you have any allergies.

Woman: No. I have no allergies. {pause} …except for the allergies I have in which I am picking up this allergy medicine.

DR: So you do have allergies?

Woman: No.

DR: I am going to put NO in the computer.

Woman: Can I please pay now?

DR: One more question. Do you have any medical conditions?

Woman: oh my god.

DR: We have to ask.

Woman: No, no medical conditions.

Friday, Morning, Older Woman, 75-ish:

Woman: Im picking up a prescription.

DR: name?

(comes back with prescript)

DR: Do you have any allergies?

Woman: No I dont have any.

DR: Do you have any medical conditions?

Woman: Well yes. Thats what these prescriptions are for.

DR: I have to put them in the computer.

Woman: Why?

DR: We have to ask everyone maam. And then enter it into our system. So, do you have Medical Conditions?

Woman: This is private information.

DR: { just staring, not knowing what to do next }

Woman: { just staring, not knowing what to do next }

ATTENTION DUANE READE:

Your 2 questions are mad stupid! The only reasons anyone is picking up prescriptions is if they have allergies or a freakin medical condition! People get bent outta shape if you ask personal stuff out loud, so dont do it! People waiting on line get super pissed at whacko conversations between confused customers and ignorant cashiers. You just slowed down a snail-like process to sloth. Dummies.

( in response to email below)

Dear Andy,

Cool letter, thanks. I’m writing you back not because I care about your cause, but because I have a blog and an opinion. Also, you came to my doorstep and bit your thumb at me Sir.

I read your blog and I really, truly like a lot of what you have to say, except the part about swinging a cat.

What’s in a name? You’re a bad ass librarian?? Book nerd with a digital soap box is another way to call it. Both smell like Karl Lagerfield’s Paper Passion.

I will not sign your petition good Sir. But I do enjoy a good boycott against the man. Maybe next time.

See, I’m busy with other wars. I’m currently boycotting the NYC subway. I’m tired of paying for an unlimited metrocard, but after I swipe once, I have to wait 15 mins before I can pass it back to one of my friends to get them through. Thats bunk! I dont like these reindeer games, so F-it. I’m walkin’ to the Bronx!

One of my pet projects is my petition to stop all movies that show trees! I am an urbanite, I don’t like nature and I hate trees. I come from a family of tree haters, shout out to my Uncle Sonny—the man chopped down every tree on his property and that shit looked good! I don’t want that filth in my eyesight, nor in anyone elses! I’m targeting the movie industry because those jokers are tryin’ to get paid! They have all kinds of people, accountants, designers, production managers, and editors doing their jobs then getting a paycheck! WTF!? There is no better term than this: thou art a villain! It’s my duty to put a stop to this, you can thank me later. You can also purchase one of m ‘F*@K TREES’ tshirts in my online store for $200.

I’ve been boycotting any and all self-destructing messages from spies. If a spy wants to tell me something they better know I want unlimited access to it. It’s just plain stupid on their part. So what if they’re trying to help me. I will be deaf to pleading and excuses. Spies can’t fool me with their fancy cars and poker skills, I’ve tasted Johnnie Walker Black and liked it!

Andy, I wish you luck with your petition of these sad things, some shall be pardoned and some punished, but never was a story more of woe then the people and their eOctavo.

~Robin